Regret and Forget

I remember when I was 16 or 17, my grandmother needed to go get a haircut. I had made plans with my friends, but my parents made me postpone to take her to the salon. I remember being really annoyed. We got to the salon and we had to wait another hour or so. I got even more upset. I don't remember what I said to her, but I remember making her cry. I remember sitting in my car and seeing her in my side mirror leaning against the car crying. After seeing that, I felt like shit and started crying too. It was a really weird thing to have done.. I still don't know why I thought to do it, but I took a photo of her. I think it was to remind myself never to treat her like that again. I'm sure after that, there were times where I mistreated her. Freshman year of college, my grandmother passed away. I remember one time, excessively drinking and crying and begging her to forgive me for that time I made her cry. I think when people pass away, the people who are still here... spend so much time replaying all the horrible things they did to their loved ones that are no longer with them. They replay all these memories where they wish they could’ve acted differently. Losing someone is soooo horrible and heart wrenching. Sometimes it feels like you’re going to suffocate. Other times you feel like you’re okay. Then you feel guilty for feeling okay. I think that’s normal. BUT, I think if I were to pass away tomorrow... and I was able to look back on all the people I left behind, I would only think of all the good things. I wouldn’t remember all the times I fought with my dad, but I would remember the time we went to Korea and were on a ferry and he bought gifts for a huge group of kids from an orphanage. I would remember thinking he had so much compassion. 


I feel very up and down these days.