"The difference between us and Helen Keller is that she knew she was deaf and blind."

Over a month has passed since Ester left us. Some days are okay, some even good, but then there are still days where it seems so unreal I feel uncontrollably hopeless. I can't breathe and I don't know what to do with myself or with everyone around me. I feel paranoid, angry, and sad. How could this have happened? Could this happen to me? Someone else that I love? What could I have done differently? I know.. I know a million times that there's no point in questioning what anyone could have done differently, but I'm helpless with my emotions. It doesn't really ever hit me that you're gone until I'm by myself. When it's completely silent and I have no distractions to keep me from thinking otherwise. When I can't convince myself that you're in NY and I can just go visit you. I hate that life will eventually go on like nothing happened. People smile and talk about what you might be doing right now (hanging out with Nina, God, and Tupac..haha). Honestly, I don't know. I want to think that you're finally at peace and you don't remember any of the troubles or heartaches that you faced here. But in the end, I always remember you're gone and it's because you were utterly devastated here. I think your heart breaks differently when someone you love unfairly leaves this earth. I'm so sorry.